The finer art of Cricket.. and now Darts too!
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Two cricket guides now! One is the guide to bowling a beamer and the other is how to get back at the umpire.

The Beamer

The beamer is a weapon in the armory of most fast bowlers. Used correctly it can send opposing batsmen out of the game but if bowled wrong it will only result in you been taken out of the attack by the umpire

HOW TO BOWL THE BEAMER

1: Eye up the batsmen.
First bowl a few bouncers at him. Watch carefully how he plays them. Does he dodge to the on or off side, or does he stay and hook. Remember this for when you decide to strike

2: The grip
Now you have decided that your next ball is going to be the beamer. Remember how he played your earlier bouncers? If he dodged to off (assuming RH batsman) then use an outswinger grip, similarly use the inswinger grip if he prefers to dodge leg. If he ducks or hooks use a horizontal seam grip


3: The delivery
The beamer is not a stock ball so be prepared to put all your might behind it. Since it is going to be noballed anyway deliver from a yard or 2 past the crease, and if you are not swinging the ball chuck it. Aim for the skull, there is little chance of any other way of getting the batsmen out than retired hurt with a beamer.

4: The apology
Go over and say sorry to the unconcious batsman as he is stretchered into the ambulance. Take the umpire's woarning and continue to bowl normally


HOW TO GET BACK AT THE UMPIRE

It happens to us all. After a woeful spell of bowling you finally find the outside edge and the ball flies through to first slip. Next batsman comes in and you shatter all 3 stumps out of the ground.
Then comes your hat trick ball. You bowl down the yorker and the batsman puts his back pad right in fromt of middle stump, and you hit the pad. Owwzzaaatttt!!! But, to your horror, the senile old twat behind the stumps fails to find the energy to raise his finger and the guy that should be lamenting his duck proceeds to whack you for six.
So, you need to get back at the umpire.


1) If you are bowling.
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If the umpire is at square leg, send down a ball so wide it strikes the umpire and breaks his leg. Fall over, as if you slipped, as to not make it look delibrate
If he is at bowlers end, simply introduce round-arm swing into your action. The fool wont even see it as your fist holding a 5 1/2oz ball thunders into his skull.

2) If you are batting.
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Its easier if the offending ump is at bowlers end, coz then you can charge down the track and drive the ball straight down his throat. Complain afterwards that had the umpire not been in the way the shot would have gone for six. If the bowler at that end is of too high quality to do that you can always try to pick him out with a fast hook when he is at square leg, otherwise wait till you have to slide to complete a run and 'accidently' slide into his legs. Bat first. Snap.


3) If you are fielding.
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Even if the batsmen are easily in following a quick run to cover, where you are fielding, that shoudnt stop you having a throw at the stumps. But, oops, its gone wide. Very wide. In fact its hit the umpire right on the head. Shame.
Now you find yourself at square leg. Next to you is the offending old cunt. Now would be a good time to introduce an unneccecery dive into your attempt to field a simple ball. Oops you've accidently rugby tackled the umpire into the ground.. oh well..

4) If you are wicketkeeping.
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Tell your captain that you've bruised your hand and cant keep any more. Theres no way you can knock the umpire out when you're wearing the gauntlets





And now... Darts!!

You are in the pub, you know who your opponent is and unfortunatly hes better than you. Here are some things you can do to even the odds

1) If you get the chance to go second in 'closest to the bull', dont aim for the bull. Instead
aim for his dart and try to bend it. A warped arrow will never fly straight.

2) (Home games only) Introduce laxatives into your opponents pint when he/she/it isnt looking. When they go to the bog to relieve
themselves, nick their darts or break one of them. They will be forced to use the house darts, which you have prearranged with the landlord
to be as bent as a nine bob note. This will have the same effect as 1) above.


3)(Home games only) Replace the dart board with one made of hardened steel. When your opponent arrives watch the horror on his/her/its face
as their dart disintegrates on contact. Someone will then replace the smash board with a dart board
as your opponent goes to the bar for the bent house darts
4) (Home games only) Introduce a large electro *magnet* under the floor, only to be switched on when your opponent throws